Never

There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to hear. But words weren't enough. Never will be.

When I said goodbye, I didn't mean I never want to see your face ever again and that I completely loathe you. I just meant to let you know, that I understand. I understand you have to leave, I understand why you can't stay. I wish I didn't, I wish I hated you, but it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do..

But friends understand, and so I do too.

The road you walked on, away from me is empty now. But I'm still here. Waiting. Sometimes for an explanation. Sometimes for you. Sometimes for the realization to set in that this is it, this is true.

The phone rings. One. Two. Three. But no one picks it up, who wants to hear more words. More lies hiding behind a silly mask of something nice. Four. Five. Six. I've become too closely attached to this silence. It doesn't lie and doesn't give any expectations. Seven. Eight. Nine. & I cut the phone. There isn't any need to rub it in the face

It starts to rain, but the smile on my face is missing. Happy thoughts of the thunder and lightening are just a memory, never to return to reality. Because I'm here & you're there. And this is how it's suppose to be.

Could have been. If only. Maybe.

Everything is a blur & nothing seems real. But this is it. This is what we dreaded & what had to come to be. This is the right thing to do no matter how wrong it seems. This is when I want to hear someone say "It's going to be okay" even though you know that rest of your life has been altered because of a couple of weeks, a few chosen words, some memories, and a face.

Never say never. So let's not meet ever? Let's not see each other ever? Let's not talk ever? Let's forget this forever...

Because I don't miss you. I miss the person I thought you were. Everybody changes. You did, I did too. So much that we almost don't recognize each other anymore. So what now? We walk away? Oh, but you already have. So I turn around too? Do I look back at you? Once, twice, a million times? No, i shouldn't. I don't want your last memory to be of you walking away from me.

Because in the end it all comes down to this. People walk away. People always leave.

Trust ?

Trust is a deep word with an even deeper meaning. I read somewhere: “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” I never really believed in the statement. But now there’s nothing else I believe so strongly in. A relationship can probably survive without love, but will dwindle in no time without the trust. It is times like these which are the most difficult to handle. What do you do when you can't live with someone you can’t trust. . . . but can’t live without the person you so dearly love . . .

Trust, faith, belief. . When does one feel cheated? When one is let down by others or by his own expectations? Only the people you give the power to hurt you, can hurt you. So does it mean that you start living with a wall around you, guarding yourself at all times so that no one can hurt you? Or you just kill all your expectations than let the fear of being let down eat you up inside?

Dealing with one's expectations is easier. It's your mind, your belief. How does one deal with being disappointed by the people they love? You trust some one; bare yourself in front of that person, naively thinking that you can share your thoughts and predicaments; illusions and fantasies, glories and blunders, thinking he’s your own, would understand. The very same confessions you had made with blind faith in the person, in weak moments, in happier times… come back to haunt you. And who is the vampire… not your enemy... but your very own confidante… the one you had put your trust in.

If my confidante can become my enemy, and my enemies are already my foes….

Then . . who is my friend?? WHO??

Sometimes, I wonder..

Why do people fall in love when they have to fall out of it too? Why do they become the best of friends when they have to fall apart slowly one day? Why does someone have to get hurt because they love someone just because they don't love you back? Why does the person who said 'I Love You' walk away, leaving you behind? And why do you just stand there waiting for them to come back looking, and find you standing right where they left you? Why do people give up and let things go wrong? Why does everything that begin have to have an ending? Why do things go wrong when you expect it the least? Why does it rain on things you are proud of most? Why is it that everybody feels pain, hurt, love, wanted, but still some people are just not worth it? Why are some of us different but the rest of them just the same? Why do you have to call out to someone because you need help? Why you have to hope for people to be there when you need them the most and not really know it? Why do you break down in front of someone, who doesn't even care? Why do you start trust to people, make them a part of your life, and they just walk out of it, breaking your heart? It isn't fair. But isn't life that way? You know what it feels like. You know you've wondered about at least one of those questions. Everybody does. I'm just the one writing them down.