Impending Decisions

"Life will pass you by" these were my words to someone a few years back.

Present Day: I find myself living these words. Time seems to be going at a super-sonic speed. Too much to do, too many wishes, too dreams.. too little time.

I need light, direction, some signal… some sign letting me know what to do, where to go.

We only live once and there are no u-turns to start over. Lost time is lost forever.

The Mantra of Life: Live, Love, Laugh.

Because there’s no going back.

Blissville

In my quest for light, I trudge along the streets of darkness.. stumbling and falling, trying to make my way over to the valley of bliss.. the mere thought of which is so enchanting that it gives me the strength I did not know I possessed. Ah Bliss-ville.. I'll be there someday.. someway.

Want to make a memory?

I had always wondered how it would feel to watch the rain with you. Sitting in the park, on that bench we always do. Holding hands with you. The thunder, the lightening all a blur. Just a sense of calm and now I realize what i had not been able to put into words then.

Watching the rain with you was like finding home, if only for a moment, in someone else's heart. The feeling of safety, the relief. The satisfaction. Knowing that you would always have my back.

People fall in love, people fall out of it. But this feeling would never leave. When the world turns cold and everything will be a mess. I will find home in your arms.

The rain soaks us. But the only thing I feel is the warmth coming from your hand.

I smile. Because I would love to just live my whole life this way. Watching the rain with you, watching the skies with you. There's no where else I would ever want to be & in this moment I want to be no one but me.

You close your eyes. The raindrops falling at the back of them. You seem so content. You look like you've kept your whole life aside just to live this moment.

There will be moments in your life, you'll just close your eyes and feel those raindrops falling off your eyes down your face again. And you thank your stars to have that memory. It makes everything feel so right.

Always.

Burning Memories

Tears roll down ever so slowly... as the memories tumble... The moments of happiness at one point bring tears and nothing but tears now. Those moments are long gone and the emotions attached with them are long forgotten by Him. But for me somehow there is still a flame of Hope.... ignited somewhere within me.

And as the days go by… the gentle breeze of the memories seems to lower the flame and leaving ashes of The desire which still remains as strong as it was ever before. Every passing day… I Hope that by the end of the day it is going to return to as it was before but another night of hopeless dreams go wasted and leaving me with a heart aching to be Loved once again...to be wanted once again. Leaving me Numb. The feeling I have been left with for quite some time now.

As I lay in bed…blaming the world for being so heartless, for not Fulfilling those dreams which are broken as soon as eyes are fluttered open with a moment of happiness as the realization hits that even behind those darned eyelids lies a world where dreams do get fulfilled, and a burning sensation in the pit of my heart that its time to move on, I realize that the memories which I possess are priceless and being lucky enough to have those memories instilled within me for the rest of my life is good enough and that there are many people out there who are not even lucky enough to possess these memories which are so beautiful that even the picture of the memories engraved in your heart and mind makes your Life worthwhile enough to live again. And the courage to move on...to see an entire different world. To Breathe once again… To feel the heartbeats and the warmth of your blood gushing through your veins....while the memories stay with you...which burns away persistently within your heart and arises again... A Flame of Hope for you to start another life. A life on the basis of the memories you possess and the strength to Learn from them... to forgive the world..

To forgive yourself.

Never

There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to hear. But words weren't enough. Never will be.

When I said goodbye, I didn't mean I never want to see your face ever again and that I completely loathe you. I just meant to let you know, that I understand. I understand you have to leave, I understand why you can't stay. I wish I didn't, I wish I hated you, but it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do..

But friends understand, and so I do too.

The road you walked on, away from me is empty now. But I'm still here. Waiting. Sometimes for an explanation. Sometimes for you. Sometimes for the realization to set in that this is it, this is true.

The phone rings. One. Two. Three. But no one picks it up, who wants to hear more words. More lies hiding behind a silly mask of something nice. Four. Five. Six. I've become too closely attached to this silence. It doesn't lie and doesn't give any expectations. Seven. Eight. Nine. & I cut the phone. There isn't any need to rub it in the face

It starts to rain, but the smile on my face is missing. Happy thoughts of the thunder and lightening are just a memory, never to return to reality. Because I'm here & you're there. And this is how it's suppose to be.

Could have been. If only. Maybe.

Everything is a blur & nothing seems real. But this is it. This is what we dreaded & what had to come to be. This is the right thing to do no matter how wrong it seems. This is when I want to hear someone say "It's going to be okay" even though you know that rest of your life has been altered because of a couple of weeks, a few chosen words, some memories, and a face.

Never say never. So let's not meet ever? Let's not see each other ever? Let's not talk ever? Let's forget this forever...

Because I don't miss you. I miss the person I thought you were. Everybody changes. You did, I did too. So much that we almost don't recognize each other anymore. So what now? We walk away? Oh, but you already have. So I turn around too? Do I look back at you? Once, twice, a million times? No, i shouldn't. I don't want your last memory to be of you walking away from me.

Because in the end it all comes down to this. People walk away. People always leave.

Trust ?

Trust is a deep word with an even deeper meaning. I read somewhere: “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” I never really believed in the statement. But now there’s nothing else I believe so strongly in. A relationship can probably survive without love, but will dwindle in no time without the trust. It is times like these which are the most difficult to handle. What do you do when you can't live with someone you can’t trust. . . . but can’t live without the person you so dearly love . . .

Trust, faith, belief. . When does one feel cheated? When one is let down by others or by his own expectations? Only the people you give the power to hurt you, can hurt you. So does it mean that you start living with a wall around you, guarding yourself at all times so that no one can hurt you? Or you just kill all your expectations than let the fear of being let down eat you up inside?

Dealing with one's expectations is easier. It's your mind, your belief. How does one deal with being disappointed by the people they love? You trust some one; bare yourself in front of that person, naively thinking that you can share your thoughts and predicaments; illusions and fantasies, glories and blunders, thinking he’s your own, would understand. The very same confessions you had made with blind faith in the person, in weak moments, in happier times… come back to haunt you. And who is the vampire… not your enemy... but your very own confidante… the one you had put your trust in.

If my confidante can become my enemy, and my enemies are already my foes….

Then . . who is my friend?? WHO??

Sometimes, I wonder..

Why do people fall in love when they have to fall out of it too? Why do they become the best of friends when they have to fall apart slowly one day? Why does someone have to get hurt because they love someone just because they don't love you back? Why does the person who said 'I Love You' walk away, leaving you behind? And why do you just stand there waiting for them to come back looking, and find you standing right where they left you? Why do people give up and let things go wrong? Why does everything that begin have to have an ending? Why do things go wrong when you expect it the least? Why does it rain on things you are proud of most? Why is it that everybody feels pain, hurt, love, wanted, but still some people are just not worth it? Why are some of us different but the rest of them just the same? Why do you have to call out to someone because you need help? Why you have to hope for people to be there when you need them the most and not really know it? Why do you break down in front of someone, who doesn't even care? Why do you start trust to people, make them a part of your life, and they just walk out of it, breaking your heart? It isn't fair. But isn't life that way? You know what it feels like. You know you've wondered about at least one of those questions. Everybody does. I'm just the one writing them down.

Unknown Answers

Walking down the abandoned road, I ask myself; what am I doing here? Where am I heading? Why am I going there? What will happen to me once I’m there? Am I even supposed to be there in the first place? Questions are endless. Answers unknown.

I keep walking on the deserted road. No sign of life till miles ahead. I am scared, lost and powerless. Have I come too far to turn back now? I chance a look in the direction I came from but there’s nothing there, just darkness, gloom and shadows. I find my answer in the oblivion. I have to move on.

Miles covered, step by step, stride by stride. It’s just me and my thoughts. We keep moving towards nowhere in particular. All we know is that we have to keep going else the darkness behind will swallow us. Finally, after forever, I see a light, just like the often talked about ray of hope. Suddenly out of nowhere, I find this sudden strength that thrusts me forward towards the almost visible light.

I keep telling myself it’s not too far. The last few miles are the toughest but once you reach where you have wanted to be, the feeling is unmatched to any. These are my thoughts as I keep trudging along. The course is complicated, the road dilapidated but all I can see is that glow in a distance. There’s nothing that can deflect me from being where I want to be. I am oblivious to everything passing by me. I don’t care. All I can see is that tiny speck which even at a distance has the power to make me happy, make me want to do something, give me a direction.

All of a sudden I stumble and fall. Strange, I think to myself for I didn’t see any roadblocks ahead. So where did these come from... out of nowhere... unexpected... unforeseen. Or…was it me who ignored what was clearly obvious, what was in front of me all the time and I chose to ignore it?

Roadblocks or not, the fall has definitely made me stand back and reflect upon how far I’ve come and where I am headed. And it takes me back to where I started with all the questions that I could not find the answers to. A thought pops in my mind, someone once said to me, “not every question is meant to be answered”. After all this I now feel not every question is meant to have an answer. But the questions just don’t seem to stop pushing themselves at me.

It seems like an endless circle… one in which I am trapped, destined to be lost forever... looking for and seeking the happiness that I’ve always dreamt of, longing for the contentment that seems to keep shying away from me… Why? When? Where?

Life – A Lesson….

Mine is an ongoing struggle against none other than myself for my existence. I’ve been facing it so long that now it feels like breathing in the polluted air around. Important lessons learnt, significant ones ignored. Life is a lesson, I am yet to learn. It has been a betrayal to me. But then who hasn't been betrayed ever..? Some by people they love... some by fate... some by luck… some even by themselves.

Life can either mould your rough edges and carve you into a fine gem OR it can bit by bit, layer by layer, tear you down and completely erode you in such a way that you yourself come to doubt your own existence in this blasphemous world. Outcome depends on how much you are willing to fight… how much you’re willing to scrap… how much you’re willing to struggle on. Me..? Am done fighting. Sick of it. Why do I need to prove myself time and again? Why to the people I care for, I love?

Why is it that life throws me in directions it knows I will be lost in. No... It doesn’t want to refine me into something better, into someone stronger. How can you expect someone who has tasted her own tear drops; smile at the first rain drops falling down on earth. How can someone who has faced far too many broken dreams, hope to realize her dream one day?

It feels like an ongoing controversy against me… like quicksand, the more I resist, the deeper I get sucked into it. I fight, I die. I stay, I still still perish. . . . . . My life ticks on... like a bomb ready to explode anytime.

Run

There comes a time in our lives when we feel as if we don't belong anywhere. The deal for survival is to get past that phase. Those who can, are winners; those who cant, are…not. I belong to the later category. I have been hanging on to my past for so long or is it my present that I can't deal with. I don't know. I wish I had someone I could rely on. As much as people try to care for me try and understand me… I know they can't, not in the way I want them too. I stand on the threshold, not knowing whether to return or to keep going. There are no guarantees in this ungodly world. What lies ahead… the unknown… I walk on… on the shore, hoping to catch the rays portentous of a new dawn, with no misery, no melancholy, no glum memories to haunt me…to a fresh start. Deep down I know its not all that difficult. All I have to do is not look back…. But that's the hard-hitting part. I run, hoping to leave all my uncertainties behind me only to realize that it is me who I have been running from all along. I don't have the valor to confront my own feelings. I don't have the courage to let go of my past. I feel strangulated, at wits end, as if all I had ever believed in has come crumbling down, all my dreams... all my beliefs… all my hopes. The struggle for survival is on, the outcome unknown.

Why Me??

I can see the sun hidden behind the clouds, cotton balls taking a flight in the gentle breeze, its simply beautiful… But I am a witness to this lovely scene from behind a glass wall. It doesn't even touch me. I run outside... in the open, to feel what I could not touch, to touch what I could not feel from behind that glass wall. The gentle breeze that till now was caressing my skin suddenly turned into hard wind... grazing my face… bruising my skin... reminding me that life is so unpredictable! But then the rain comes pouring down...falling on my face. The gentle rain drops kissing my lips...washing away with them the tears on my face.... melting away my sorrows… and I once again face the phenomenal truth of life... its so unpredictable. The lightening schemes up with the thunder... wickedly jolts me out of my day dream…and I wake up to the rude reality. I am still where I was... behind the cold glass wall. Wanting to feel the happiness of life…wanting to touch the drops with my fingers… wanting to soak in as much life in me as possible. But alas…! Life doesn't treat everyone with fur-covered gloves. At times… its just the cruel realities of life, full of thorns, on which I try to avoid and carefully tread my journey forward…in hope… hoping that there's something good that awaits me on the other side. By the time I do manage to scrape my way to the open…. the clouds give way to the sun... the soothing breeze turns into a heat wave… the gentle weather turns into my worst imaginable enemy… with the sun throwing its harsh...unsympathetic rays at me… melting me, this time, so unlike the rain drops that earlier tasted of honey.. I am forced to think…

Is it life? Or is it just me? Just when I thought I had found my answers... The question itself changes. Just when I thought I had reached my destination… I find myself at the starting point… to start all over again on the same downtrodden path called LIFE. Is that how life is for everyone? Is that how everyone struggles…? Is that how I am supposed to lead my life…? Forever wanting… forever wishing… for happiness… for LIFE….? The only question that remains with me... Keeps haunting me... keeps taunting me… WHY ME??